the generic history of me
I was born and raised in the northern United States, mostly the New England area, Connecticut and Vermont, specifically. We did live in New Jersey for a few months when I was in second or third grade or so. When I was fifteen, my mom moved us to Florida, for a job opportunity she had. Unfortunately, the job fell through, but we were stuck. Lived in Florida for many years after that, much to my dismay. Money was always and issue, and didn’t manage to ever make enough for a move until much later. Mostly lived in the central Florida area, surrounded by citrus, farms, churches and golf communities, ugh. Last year I finally was able to move out of that hell hole and to a much better place. Since December of 2021, been living in the Netherlands, in Europe. Still trying to learn the language, but I am working on it.
What about me, where to begin? I suppose i should start by saying I am a very creative individual. In my life, I find that I am interested in a variety of things, and I have been, ever since I was a small child. When I was younger, I spent most of my time drawing or writing, reading a lot, gaming of various types, out exploring the world when the weather permitted. I also happen to be quite introverted, in most situations. In all my years, I’ve continuously struggled to find my place in the realm of things. I used to have a bad habit of being worried about “fitting in”, and knowing very well I didn’t really fit in anywhere. So as I got older, I started to embrace the different parts of me, all the things that made me unique in one way or another. I was never the popular kid. I have been “over weight” most of my life. Nothing I ever really did was mainstream, wasn’t into fashion, not a girly girl type and so on. Just a general loner for most of my life. It’s becoming more acceptable now, not to conform to the molds society has created. However, growing up was hell for people like me.
chaotik
/keɪˈɒtɪk/ (adjective)
in a state of complete confusion and disorder.
bliss
/blɪs/ (noun)
supreme happiness; complete peace or contentment.
Archaic. a cause of great joy or happiness.
These two words basically sum up the entirety of my life. Chaotik is usually an extreme understatement, to be honest, more on that in a moment. As for the bliss, it comes and goes. However, it has been my nick name for over 25 years. When I was in my early 20’s, I was hanging out with a small group of friends. It was somewhere around the middle of the day, we were all pretty high. Just vibing, reading, drawing, and so on. Quick flashback: A few weeks prior, we had been out and about, and everyone was joking around. I noticed that everyone had a nick name, but me, which gave me a case of the sads. Everyone reassured me, my time would come, nicknames were something that kind of happened spur of the moment. So I let it go for the time being. Back to the present, we were chilling, on a rainy afternoon. As I mentioned, we were high and the time was passing quite amicably. If I remember correctly, there were four of us there at the time. So I’m sitting there drawing a bit, completely calm and relaxed. My one friend was also drawing with me. I think the other two were reading various things. Then out of the blue, one of them says “bliss!”. We all look at them. He repeats himself, “bliss…”. So the other one reading says “Huh?” And the first one says “That should be her nick name.. bliss.” and I’m like “why bliss?” So they explain in a quite beautiful observation. “We have been sitting here, and I keep looking around, and it hit me. When I look over at you, that’s what I see, bliss. Pure bliss. you look so relaxed and content. I realized this is what I think of when I see you most of the time.” The rest of us just smile, and we know this is right. The other two commented that they thought it was fitting, and described me perfectly. (Keep in mind, this is not the exact conversation. Just my vague weed riddled memories. However, this is how I remember it fondly in my head, when I look back on it now and then.) So it stuck, thankfully. I’ve been known by most of my friends in real life, and subsequently online, for over 25 years, as bliss, or some form there of.
Now, the chaotik. For many years of my life, I have had issues with mental illnesses. I had a massive breakdown probably about twelve to thirteen years ago. I’m trying to remember exactly when, but I just can’t at the moment. Doesn’t matter for this explanation. Basically, I had hit my lowest ever. When you start to Google ways to unalive yourself, by making it look like an ‘accident’, you know there are some serious issues. I was a mother of three at that point, my youngest just a baby. I was overworked in multiple ways; kids, housework, part time job, online stuff, and my relationship was suffering with my significant other. Also, we had an open relationship, so I had other partners now and then, some online and some in real life. One of these online relationships was a huge factor in my decline. We had been going on just over a year, if I recall correctly, then they decided to ghost me completely. I tried desperately to reach out to them. I had called him numerous times, was fed lie after lie. Finally, I had contacted one of his parents, and they were like, oh everything is fine! They have been doing this and that and yeah, no worries! Long story short, I was completely devastated. My significant other was extremely upset. They were working stupid long hours, for a dick of a boss. Unfortunately, they weren’t emotionally available for me, when I really needed them to be. (Just to note here, they have gotten a lot better with this over the years.) I tried talking to a few online friends, that we mutually knew, and they threatened me, either get some help or we will call local authorities, and make you get the help you need.
So I broke down and got a hold of a counseling center locally. When I tried to go to my first appointment, with the appointment card I had received, they said it wasn’t in the system, and I had to make a new appointment! I was beyond frustrated. So I said fuck it, don’t need this on top of everything else. I made a new appointment at another center about an hour away. Things were finally getting on track a bit. After about a year I think, the drive was making me nuts, as well as the fact it took so much time to go there and back. I looked into something more local again, and found a place that worked for my needs. I met the most wonderful person there!! They were my therapist and med management for the following ten years or so! I have a wonderful relationship with them, and they are completely epic! Extremely supportive, and over the years we have built a really strong friendship. Last year, I moved to a new country. I thankfully got their contact details so we can stay in touch! In the many years of therapy and counseling, I learned more about my specific cocktail of mental illnesses. I have severe depression, bipolar disorder with mania, fun. In addition to that, I have a condition that is referred to as ‘general and specified anxiety’, this includes social anxiety. Now let’s throw in some ADHD and PTSD for flavor. I was also diagnosed with chronic migraines and cluster headaches. I’m sure there is some more in there but this is the main issues. I was on meds for about ten to twelve years or so consistently. The first year or two, we were trying to find out what would work for my particular chemical imbalances. This was after working with my therapist for about a year to determine what would work best for my particular chemical imbalances. Once we got that sorted, it was fairly decent for a number of years. Most days I was fairly stable, which was a drastic improvement over my former life.
As i mentioned, I moved about a year ago to a new country. As of yet, I have not been able to see a doctor locally. I have to go through the immigration, and residency process, before I can obtain insurance, so it’s been a waiting game. I ran out of the meds I had managed to save up, and bring with me, between February and April. I did my best to slowly wean myself off of them, as a few have severe withdrawal side effects! I consider myself incredibly lucky, my significant other is extremely supportive and understanding. Some days are much better than others, other days I struggle with even the simplest tasks. This is the nature of bipolar order and severe depression, along with the anxiety and headaches. I do manage to stay ahead of the curve in most cases. I can get up and out of bed, even if I nap three times in a day. My boys help to keep me going, more than they realize, I believe. Having things to focus on helps. I have also learned to try not to get overwhelmed, even though it still happens now and then. There are other things, but I’ll get into that at a later date.
I will go into more detail I suppose eventually, but this is the rough idea. I don’t really know what to put in this section, but i will probably get into more things as time goes on. Please be patient with me!
An Update as of April, 2024: Still living. I’ve managed to finally get back on my meds and that is going well for me so far. I feel much more myself most days. Some days are still a struggle but there is always tomorrow. I keep pushing through and hoping things will work out for the best. Ive decided to publish some of my recipes in the hopes of sharing one of my favorite things with with the world, food and cooking! I come from a great family background, filled with wonderful memories. Many fond gatherings for BBQs and picnics, almost every family event centered around food! And lots of it! So here’s to hoping you will enjoy the recipes as much as we have! Thank you for sticking with me so far!